I'm Still Here
by haveyouseenmyhaggis
Summary: Blood soaks his hand as he holds it to the wound. He wishes Ianto was with him. He realises now, on the brink of death, that he is broken but also that he is not alone when death takes him. Set after 3:5. Very angsty.


**Title: I'm Still Here**

**Summary: Blood soaks his hand as he holds it to the wound. He wishes Ianto was with him. He realises now, on the brink of death, that he is broken but also that he is not alone when death takes him. Set after 3:5. Very angsty.**

**Author's Note: It took me a very long time to write this and even longer to upload it (namely because my computer has a virus and is totally busted and there wasn't internet on this laptop until now). I cried buckets during Children of the Earth and Day Four was heartbreaking. I don't remember every crying that much at the TV. Anyway, there's spoilers for 3:5 in this so don't read if you haven't watched. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Torchwood._**

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He laughs because he doesn't know how else to react. Blood flows freely from his shoulder where the shot punctured his skin and he slowly touches it with his opposite hand. The warmth of the blood surprises him and he frowns slightly. Perhaps he didn't think there was anything warm left inside him because all he has felt for the last few weeks is a terrible all-consuming cold.

As pain shoots through his body he realises he can't decide whether to keep laughing or to cry. The fact that he actually feels something is alien to him. He thinks he must have forgotten what is to feel. He can't remember laughing. He can't remember feeling happy. He can't even remember the pain as his life is slipping from his grip. He has been living as a shell for what feels like forever. He understands that a short space of time can feel like forever when you're alone and he is alone.

Blood soaks his hand as he holds it to the wound. The darkness is coming and he knows it. He is perfectly aware that he is going to die but he doesn't care anymore. He finds it difficult to be concerned about anything. He isn't sure what he's living for. He can't die, but he can't live either – not without him.

He lets himself fall to the ground and slump against the tree nearest him. His legs won't support his weight anymore and he marvels at his weakness. He remembers a time when he was strong. He knows time when he could handle anything. Now he can't imagine what it was like. He had friends. He even had a family. What did he have now? He tried to think of something good in his all too alone life. He can't think of anything.

Suddenly he feels a new emotion. He recognises it from some distant past as hope. It was something he used to feel when everything was bad but there was a single ray of sunshine. He speculates about death. Perhaps this time he won't come back. How he wishes this time he will just be dead. He deserves to die, does he not? Maybe death is too much a blessing for someone like him. He's killed people and should a killer not be made to suffer? Oh, he's so afraid now. He doesn't want to come back to this world. He doesn't want to face his demons. He just wants to keep running and hiding from them because it's too much to handle. He can't do it alone. He wishes Ianto was with him. Jack tells himself to stop thinking about Ianto. Ianto is dead because of him.

His body is failing. His muscles ache and it's stopped being funny now and it just hurts. His vision is clouding over. Tears leak from his eyes but he can't reach up and wipe them away because he has no energy left. His breathing is ragged and each gulp of oxygen sets fire to his chest. He deserves this pain, he tells himself, he should be feeling this way. He will return to life in a matter of minutes and he will start this suffering all over again. He will still be alone and he will still have the shadows of memory following him wherever he should go.

For a moment he ponders what he is. He's the man who can't die. He is apparently indestructible… invincible. But is invincibility really not being able to die? Is it when you come back to life time and time after again. If he is blown to pieces he will reform again. If a bullet is put through his skull the hole will seal and he will keep on living. He is bulletproof. Jack decides invincible is the wrong term for him. He is not unbreakable. There is more to a man than his body; he is more than flesh and bone. Jack's mind is weary. He is exhausted. He realises now, on the brink of death, that he is broken. He is falling apart inside. His mind will not heal itself like his body does. He is not invincible, merely immortal.

Then the darkness is upon him. The last breath leaves his body and he falls limp. For a moment his face is peaceful. The first thing is aware of in the dark is the change – something is different. He realises this in the same instant he figures out he isn't alone here. He also notes that the other presence is not frightening. Often in this place he is afraid of the movement in the dark but not this time. He recognises the voice when it speaks to him, "Jack," it says.

"Ianto!" Jack cries out urgently. He casts around blindly hoping for a sight of his lover… his love.

"It's all right, Jack," Ianto's voice says quietly in the dark, "I'm not going to let anything hurt you."

"How did you…?" Jack leaves his question unfinished but the other man knows exactly what he means.

"All the dead end up here, Jack. It didn't take me long to track you down. Even in death your reputation precedes you," Ianto nearly laughed then, "It's different to how people say death is. It's not all dark, Jack."

"Yes it is," Jack counters bluntly.

"That's all you remember when you wake. The living aren't meant to know death," Ianto explains softly, "There are people here who despair and become nothing more than shells trapped for eternity but most of us…? Most of us are fine. It sounds childish but we're all here watching over the ones we love, waiting for them."

"Until now it's been nothing but the darkness!" Jack insists, certain there has been nobody here before for him.

"You're just difficult to pin down," Ianto smiles and Jack feels something soft brush over his hand, "But I found you. I'll be here, Jack. Always. I love you."

Jack hesitates. It should be easy to say but now he has the chance he doesn't know how to form the words. "I'm… I'm sorry," he blurts out eventually. "I didn't mean for you to get hurt. I'd never have taken you with me if I'd known…"

"I know you wouldn't," Ianto says calmly. There is no anger in his voice, no bitterness. "That's why I know you love me too. You didn't need to say it."

"I never told you until the day you died," Jack tells him with his voice slightly choked, "I never told you…"

"I think I knew, really," Ianto says gently, "That's all I needed."

"Thank you," Jack whispers, "Ianto Jones…"

"It's time to go back, Jack," Ianto instructs when Jack's voice tails off, "You're going to wake up in a few moments."

"No!" Jack panics. He doesn't want to. He wants to stay with Ianto. He can't lose him twice. He doesn't understand why he can't just stay here forever.

"Yes, Jack. But I'll be here every time. I'll always be waiting for you. Remember, nothing lasts forever. Your time will come. I promise," Ianto says quietly and before anything else can happen Jack feels oxygen slamming into his lungs as he gasps for breath. His eyes shoot open and he casts around anxiously but sees nothing. He is alone in the forest. His heart is racing in his chest. He tries to remember what had just happened to him. He feels strange. He knows something different happened when he died but he can't remember.

"I'm still here…" a voice whispers from within the trees, "Always."

Jack knows at once who it was. His face is filled with a smile of sadness, hope and happiness and a stray tear leaks down his cheek. Finally, he remembers what it is to feel safe.


End file.
